I was born in Gasonia, North Carolina, at 3AM on a Thursday in May, 1987. At first, I could not walk, talk, or even use the toilet. I engaged in intensive training for several years and overcame these early difficulties, then moved to Tennessee (bringing my family along as well).

When I was quite young, my parents once went home and forgot me at someone else’s house because I had been so quiet. I suppose that tells you everything you need to know about me. I will now tell you more things.

In 4th grade, a teacher assigned me the task of listing my life goals. Among such trivial matters as curing cancer and becoming a doctor, I also wrote that I intended to write a best-seller in every genre. Presumably, at the time I was unaware of such genres as Epic Werewolf Harem Romance.

I spent the next decade-and-a-bit in a perpetual crisis of confidence. When I came out of it, I found myself engaged to Emma, my now-wife who has been an eternal source of support and steady belief.

At approximately the age of 25, I published my first book, The Quest for Juice. It was wrenched out of the aether, like pounding my own heart onto the keyboard. It has widely been considered both “too boring” and “THE BEST BOOK SO FAR THIS YEAR” (actual review quotes).

I have written four more books since then, which I’m sure you’re aware of if you’ve made it this far. None, so far, have been to the top of a best seller list, although a couple have managed to briefly top the free Kindle lists in their respective niche genres. Despite being a commercial failure in every sense (but most importantly, in a commercial sense), there has been great critical success, and I have some wonderful fans (this is particularly addressed at you, Diane, and the woman I call Hedgehog Girl) who have showered me with incredible praise.

Since my first book, the process has become slightly easier. But only slightly; I am currently mentally sat in the shower, weeping, mascara running down my naked body, as I try to construct the middle chapters of a postapocalyptic novel I will probably call Murdergirl.

I live in England, without the cat I so dearly want, with Emma, and with our two bright-eyed and bushy-tailed children. That makes them sound like animals, but I wish to make it clear that they are human children.

• Last updated in 2021. If you see this and Murdergirl has already been published, please, tell me to update this page. Thank you for your service.